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Posts: 365
| Young lady ,, could you please tell your breasts to stop staring at my eyes! |
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Posts: 20229
Location: oswego, il | You scratch my back and I get my back scratched.
-selfish guy |
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Location: Sawyer County, WI |
“No human can withstand that many hits"
Ryan Kesler |
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Posts: 1516
| If I had known I wa going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.
Mickey Mantel |
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Posts: 719
| Life is tough. It's alot tougher if you're stupid.-John Wayne |
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| "FISH ON!!!".... "Get the net!"
everyone |
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Posts: 16632
Location: The desert | Big bucks make big tracks. |
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Posts: 340
Location: Lake County Illinois | Quote from Homer Simpson: " To alcohol ! The cause of... and solution to... all of lifes problems " |
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Posts: 734
Location: Watertown, MN | Don't worry they are not lost, they have 7 days to find their way back to there resort.
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Posts: 410
Location: one foot over the line | Surely you can't be serious? I am, and don't call me Shirley.
What's your vector, Victor?
Roger, Roger.
You've got clearance, Clarence.
Do you like movies about gladiators?
Looks like i picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
What can you make of this? I can make a bird, or a little hat...
I just want you to know that we are all counting on you.
I just want you to know that we are all counting on you. |
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Posts: 719
| This came from one of my clients when discussing pretty girls...."You can look, but they ain't looking back". |
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Posts: 656
Location: Forest Lake, Mn. | "You ever want to go fishing, look me up!"
Mr. Steve Worrall.
(maybe someday I can take him up on that) |
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Posts: 1144
Location: Minnesota. | "Hold my beer and watch this".... |
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Posts: 1760
Location: new richmond, wi. & isle, mn | " If he fell from his ego to his IQ, he'd plummet to his death "
The Common Man |
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Posts: 1516
| I didn't think that was gonna happen. |
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Posts: 20229
Location: oswego, il | At the pilot gas station outside Plymouth Indiana after the third time trying to get his money on his gas pump:
Fat and stupid is no way to go through life.
--Tony Hardin |
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Posts: 20229
Location: oswego, il | Last night at the UMP summer nationals at fairbury a lady in front of my whipped a box of popcorn at a.couple she was.upset with. Later on I bought a box of popcorn.
Thanks lady, I just bought a box of popcorn and they asked to see my FOID card!
-me |
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Posts: 365
| Todd ---- whats a UMP car ??? used to run a late model at Fairbury and Peoria ,,,, also drag cars at Oswego drag strip ,,, is the drag strip still there ?? ------ jimjimjim |
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Posts: 66
| Almost immediately after launching any boat: "I thought YOU put the plug in!"
Edited by Dave F 6/21/2015 5:04 PM
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Posts: 3150
| "How can someone shoot women and children"!!,,,Easy,you just don't lead em has much!
Full metal jacket |
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Posts: 4343
Location: Smith Creek | I AM CORNHOLIO!!
-Beavis |
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Posts: 532
| Not really famous quotes but still fun to read
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I used to do drugs — I still do, but I used to, too.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’ — which means it’s dirty.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have
bread.
I wish I could play little league now, I’d be way better than before.
I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it — and
he’s always on time.
The last time I called ‘shotgun’, we had rented a limo, so I ****ed up.
This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.
I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow #*#*.
I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.
I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
You don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you
could just be a thirsty dude — Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said **** that, I’ll just get a tan instead.
When I was on acid I would see things like beams of light, and I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was alphabetized.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
What happened when Jesus wanted to swim?
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying “Here, you throw this away.”
A dog is forever in the push-up position.
I got a parrot and it talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.
I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m going to ask them where they’re going and
hook up with them later.
I turned to my friend and said “How do you abbreviate Arkansas”. He said “I don’t
know, just start spelling it, and then quit”.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem — it’s not the photographer’s fault.
I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one’s the real hero?
At the end of my letters, I like to write ‘P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.’
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off — it’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
-Mitch Hedberg
Edited by anzomcik 6/22/2015 8:08 AM
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Posts: 20229
Location: oswego, il | I was a free safety in high school, I could take you out.
--muskyboy |
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Posts: 239
Location: Illinois | They drew first blood not me...they drew first blood.
John Rambo |
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Posts: 45
| From my old motorcycle racing days.
Its tough not to be stupid, but if your going to be stupid, you better be tough. |
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Posts: 5874
| Some is good. More is better. Too much is just right! Speed costs money. How fast do you want to go? -Terry Blazer 2 biggest lies ever told. The check is in your mouth. I won't come in the mail. -Anonymous
Edited by Shep 6/22/2015 10:09 AM
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Posts: 13688
Location: minocqua, wi. | "see that rock, throw it over there" ... |
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Posts: 4343
Location: Smith Creek | This is a very complicated case. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, a lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder’s head. Fortunately, I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber
-The Dude |
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Posts: 58
| Well sure theirs a lot to it, but it sure as hell ain't rocket surgery!!! |
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Posts: 52
| " I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; I like less than half of you as you deserve." - Bilbo |
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