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| Subject: Daddy's Dating Rules
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my truck?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Put these rules in effect and you can leave the house and go muskie fishing with comfort in mind. Heck your daughter will probley go with you since she will have no boy freinds at all. [;)] [:bigsmile:] |
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| Sorry Jason, I just don't have a shotgun, and 5 acres. I have a club, bricks, and a boat though. I hope that will do [;)] , I have twin girls at home.
Lance |
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| LOL
Nice set of rules, Jason. Although I think you need to mention the electirc nail gun in Rule #6 :) |
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| Good one Jason lol, my daughter is only 5 months old and I’m already starting to think like that. I’m printing it right now, I then plan to laminate and frame. |
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| You will also need to keep a bench press in plain view that has about 350 Lbs on the barbell, however this only works until the intruder actually meets you or take the clown fishing with you. time with dad fishing = less time with daughter |
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| Boy Oh Boy Jason!!!
I thought I was bad raising my daughter. She had an eleven o'clock curfew even after she was eighteen while under my roof. I met the young men at the door, got details of expected plans, invited the parents over to chat the next day, and WARNED EACH young man--that this was my only, my one and only child. That as far as I was concerned the sun set and rose over her each morning. That I could no longer have any more children, and if anything and I mean anything happened to her, that he had better hope the cops got to him before I could find him. The cops would be merciful, I would not. If I found him, he would pray for death long before it happened!!!!
And you beat that!!! Man you need THERAPY!!!!! You are far sicker than any other man I have ever met...And that would take alot...considering I met SWORRALL long before you!!!(tee-hee)
JO------[:halo:] |
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| How old is your daughter again Jason? I am newly single again....
Slamr
*can anyone else hear it yet? you will.... |
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| I have two sons. I am now very afraid, I thought it would be easier then having daughters. I am not sure anymore. |
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| I don't envy all you who are raising small children in these days and times. I was fortunate to raise mine (3 sons) in the 60's and 70's when the world was a much different place. It wasn't exactly easy even then, I can't imagine trying it now. My hat is off to all of you, I think you all deserve 50's on every trip!...[;)] |
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| Jason that's alot to have to remember as a father. I have one for you since you have a daughter. It will save you from grief. It's called ninja-nun school. Enroll her today![:)] |
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| Those were great. I am so glad that you guys are nothing like my girlfriend's father, he actually likes me and fishing. But I do respect those rules. [:p]
-Phil C |
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| Jason,
One question....
You are actually going to trust someone who can barely keep his trousers up over his hips to change the oil in your beloved truck?!?![:0]
Rob
P.S. - I was roaring when I read this at work. Now co-workers think I am really looney. uh...I think they're right.[:bigsmile:] |
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| NINJA-NUN SCHOOL! ASAP! |
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| I HAVE 3 GIRLS, 8,6,5.
LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.
I DO HAVE A SHOT GUN, RIFLE, HAND GUN, BOW, AND LOTS OF TREBLE HOOKS TO DRAG HIS $SS BACK WITH.
HAPPY HUNTING
DUCK |
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